So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
there is glitter all over my balls
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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