My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
