How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Less talking, more tequila
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
