I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
This couple is walking their pig around campus
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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