I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
