if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
