i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I look better un-naked...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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