if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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