don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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