Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
