Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
