I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
