im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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