i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
