if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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