im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
