If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
