i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
