im six kinds of drunk right now
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
