Pappa wants mamma naked
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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