Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
