I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
