There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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