i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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