hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
