what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
