Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
