don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
