what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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