The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
