i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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