My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
