Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
