You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
