So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
