I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
