I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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