hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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