he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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