what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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