This is not my ceiling
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
