ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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