oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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