I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Someone shattered a urinal.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
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