apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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