I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
