FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
