By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
