I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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