really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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